How To Talk So Kids Will Listen: A Rave Review and The First Tip

January 29, 2008

The Mentorship Approach With Kids & Teens

My understanding of children and their psychological development was electrified when I studied play therapy under Dr. Garry Landreth, a world-renowned expert. In addition to giving us his own powerful insight, he introduced our class to great developmental psychologists and child therapists. Among the best of the best was Dr. Haim Ginott, who valued compassion and empathy to build character and resilience in children. Dr. Ginott’s best-known students, Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, took what they learned and created the parenting approach I recommend above all others.

How To Talk So Kids Will Listen And Listen So Kids Will Talk is the product of many years of learning, applying concepts, teaching, listening, and refining techniques. Faber and Mazlish started by teaching groups of parents the concepts Dr. Ginott had taught them. Eventually they wrote their first book, Liberated Parents, Liberated Children.

That book uses a narrative style to show how the women learned Dr. Ginott’s techniques, tried them out, had some successes and some struggles, and eventually transformed their relationships with their children. In How To Talk they created six lessons from the ideas and techniques they taught for years. This book has exercises and steps for parents to learn the skills and try them out so they can deepen their relationships with their children and get better cooperation.

The First Tip: Listen to your child’s feelings.

Faber and Mazlish show us how automatic it is for us as parents to tell children they shouldn’t feel what they say they feel, or try to convince them they feel something else. They start off by encouraging us to listen to the feelings our children are conveying, even if they’re uncomfortable and hard to hear.

I’ve seen lots of skeptical responses to that first topic from parents who can’t see how letting a child express his or her feelings will change anything. And I’ve seen an equal number of stunned converts when they make the effort to listen attentively with empathy.

Emotions are powerful and they overwhelm judgment when children don’t let them out. When our children communicate what they’re feeling and realize they are being heard and understood, it’s affirming and calming. It creates connection and gives them encouragement. It transforms their behavior. Not all of it, of course, but enough to see immediate results.

Dr. Ginott understood this about children. He taught Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish and they experienced its truth in their families. They share this truth with so many examples and stories it’s impossible to read that first chapter and not make changes.This book is a blessing. I hope you will get a copy, read it, and put these techniques into practice.

Posted in The Mentorship Approach With Kids & Teens, Zine 4: January 2008